Hi, I'm Dr. Jolie Silva.

I imagine that if you found your way to this website that you’re a mom like me who’s just trying their best. You may be struggling to find a balance between managing the responsibilities of your various roles (as a mother, partner, friend, professional, etc.) while still setting aside the time to take care of yourself.

The good news is that I am here to help create a space in this world where mothers can beautifully balance their roles and experiences using clinically-grounded and easily accessible tools. My goal is to help you become proficient at essential skills involving mindfulness, self-love, self-compassion, and self-care, which will enable more skillful and effective parenting, and increase opportunities for you to teach your children these skills and practices as well.

Three Steps to Practice Mindfulness When Your Frustration is Through the Roof

Remember, the goal is not to be a calm, balanced, mindful mama all the time. You are a human with a very hard job. The goal is to become better and better at catching yourself during moments throughout the day, notice what is happening, experience what is happening in full awareness, identify if there is judgment, and let it go. Easier said than done.

Earlier today my newly 2-year-old son was “terrible two-ing” during a bone-chilling New York winter morning. We were running late for school drop off, and not only was he refusing put on a hat and mittens, but he was also screaming that I walked to the car the "wrong way." Ever have a 2 year old? Then you get it!

I immediately went to anger toward my husband, who happened to be at the gym at the time, with internal thoughts of, "How dare you be in a nice warm gym trotting on a treadmill right now when I am dealing with this!" Meanwhile, his gym hours were part of our weekly schedule and he did nothing wrong. I was fuming, rushing, and somehow dripping with sweat in zero degree temps trying to force my son into his carseat.

I running late, unable to take a break to calm down. What to do?

1. The first step amidst the chaos is awareness of the mind and body. Just be aware of what is happening internally. In this situation, identified that my anger was at a level 8 and my physical body was ice cold outside and heated inside. My thoughts were directed toward my husband, who had nothing to do with this, and my 2 year-old son, who was doing the best he could – he is only 2! I noticed it all while it was happening. It took effort - a lot of effort. But I did my best to notice it bit by bit in the moment. Keep in mind, this "noticing" practice will not make experiences magically disappear, but it may prevent the 8 from turning into a 10, or it might even decrease it to a 6.
   
2. Then breathe and focus on the breath. When you are running late with your children in tote, it seems impossible, but you can. You always have access to the breath. It’s an amazing tool!
   
3. Stay in the moment on whatever else is happening for you at that time. If you are driving the car, then drive the car. If you are talking to your children, then talk to your children without being consumed by your other thoughts.
   

Follow these three steps as best you can...without judgment of yourself.

No More Tears – The Importance of Validation

As a clinical child psychologist, I am often faced with parents who have good intentions and are exhausted as they fruitlessly attempt to manage their child’s troublesome behavior. Countless times I’ve witnessed these well-meaning parents come to me in desperation to help their families that have been turned upside down by one (or more) of their child’s “problems,” like anxiety, explosive outbursts, defiance, or depression. These parents truly want the best for their children, but I often hear them instruct their children to stop feeling what they are feeling. It is so common for a parent to say, “Don’t be scared. There’s nothing to be afraid of," or "Stop with the drama," or "Calm down!" Admittedly, I have caught myself doing the same and honestly if it wasn’t for my profession, I would probably not be as aware of how harmful words like this can be to a child or teen.

Stop for a moment and consider just how underdeveloped your child’s brain is compared to yours. If they are under the age of 26, their brains are still developing into adult brains, which means their capacity to regulate their emotions has not fully formed yet. Many adults have difficulty in this area as well, which is why it is crucial to teach children how to cope and manage their painful emotions rather than tell them they do not exist. Telling children that their emotions do not exist teaches them to avoid their feelings and deprives them of learning the tools they need to deal with feelings as they age. If someone handed you a screwdriver for the first time at age 40, it would take awhile for you to learn how to use it. You may eventually get it, but think about how much more efficiently you would use this tool if you’ve been using a version of it since you were 2 years old.

As parents, we seem to have the patience to wait for our children to walk, chew food, write their names, ride a bike, learn a foreign language, and write a school paper, yet for some reason we expect their ability to regulate their emotions to develop at light speed. Their brains are simply not capable. Psychologist Ross Greene in his groundbreaking book "The Explosive Child" reiterates, “If your child could do better, he would do better," meaning it is not their choice when they have emotional pain.

It is not fun for your child to feel anxiety, be ashamed of his inability to stay on task, or get yelled at for the umpteenth time for forgetting his agenda book at school.

Validation is key.

Steps to Validation:

1. Express to your child that their feelings are real and valid, even if you don’t agree with them. Validation does not mean agreement.
   
2. Validate your child both verbally and nonverbally. Look into their eyes, touch their hands, hug them, let them know you are there for them, and that they can feel safe with you.
   
3. Verbally help them to label their feelings, like, “How do you feel right now?” Talk about the feeling and label it.
   
4. Use a scale from 0-10 (0 = I do not have the feeling, 10 = the highest level of this feeling) to help the child understand that all emotions range in intensity. You can even draw a thermometer or mountain, with 10 at the peak, and have them draw faces to illustrate emotional intensities.
   
5. Once your child is calm again (later in the day or even the following day), speak to them about ways they can manage this emotion in the future or problem-solve the situation. It is not a good idea to try to reason with your child when they are high on emotional intensity. When people are emotionally charged over a 7 all reason goes out the window. Imagine an argument with your spouse when you are at an 8 - nothing good is said a that point.
   

The moral of this story is to try your best to validate your children’s emotional experiences. It is harder to do this when we are emotional ourselves, so validating yourself is just as important. Be aware of your emotions, then validate yourself. Be aware of your children's emotions, then validate them. Then breathe.

Let it Go

I listened to an NPR show this morning on the impact of the Frozen song "Let it Go" on those with disabilities, namely mental illness. This struck me.

“The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside, Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I've tried.” A woman diagnosed with bipolar disorder said these lines particularly rung true to her. Someone with bipolar disorder experiences similar thoughts to those of us who do not have the diagnosis, though if ours are like a breeze, hers are like a storm. Imagine your current thoughts being so powerful and loud that they completely consume your reality.

Think about these lines, “Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.” Meaning, hide those imperfections and do everything you can to be perfect. Don't let anyone know that you feel anything bad because they will think you are weak. We place undue emphasis on how others perceive us. I am doing that right now. My internal chatter says, “I am not a good enough writer to write a book. I’ve never been a good writer. Science and math are my things. Even when I was younger, I scored lower on the verbal portion of the SAT. I’ve never been a good writer and never will be.” While there is an evoluntionary explanation for social approval - that if we weren't accepted by the group our survival was at risk - we have taken it to a whole other level. And social media exponentially skyrocketed this problem.

Anxiety, depression, and suicide are all on the rise. We are living through a mental health crisis. As moms, we need to get better at teaching our children, “Who give a %&* what they think." But, how can we teach that to our children if we are guilty of doing the exact opposite?

Let’s teach them the final and most powerful lines, “I don't care what they're going to say. Let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.”

The Mama Guilt Night

Last night while I read to my children before bed, I recalled a recent child development expert's proclamation that children should be read at least 10 books a day and by age 4 parents should read them chapter books. Well, wasn't I a colossal failure? I read my 4-year-old only three “baby books” that a night, not 10 plus a chapter book. FAILURE that internal voice says. FAILURE.

The book I read was titled, “I Love My Mommy Because" and depicts various scenes with animal mamas lovingly nurturing their young. Before we even opened the book, my daughter yelled out, “I love my mommy because she says yes to whatever I want!” Failure #2 mom brain says, and we haven’t even opened the book yet. We turn to the first page: ”I love my mommy because she listens to me.” My daughter, “Mommy, you don’t listen to me.” I bristled and in a kind non-defensive tone, asked, “What do you mean I don’t listen to you,” She replied, “I say things to you again and again and again and you don’t answer me." Wow. I was really in full mom guilt mode now. I tried hard to fight the mom failure thoughts and replied, “That’s because you talk to me when I’m trying to have a conversation with other people. You have to say 'Excuse me," (phew, saved myself there). She replied “I do say, 'Excuse me' and you don’t listen to that either.” Ok, fine I’m a failure as a mother, you found out!

What is guilt?

Guilt is an emotion derived out of beliefs that. you did something wrong, something against your morals or what you stand for. Mom guilt means that you believe in that moment that you failed as a mom, that you behaved in a way that was incongruent with what you think is important in your mom role.

While we all experience mom guilt our triggers may be different. For example, because I highly value nutrition, I may feel mom guilt if my kids don't eat fruits and vegetables one day. But if nutrition is not one of your values, you may not care about that. If you are, say a psychologist AND a parenting expert and your daughter tells you that you don't listen to her - well, you get the point.

Stop for a moment or two and identify some of your mom guilt triggers.

Now ask yourself, ...

How this emotion serving me?

Child Anxiety: Tips for Parents on Identifying Symptoms & Treatment Options

When anxiety is present in children, the symptoms and behaviors displayed can sometimes seem completely unrelated to what you would expect anxiety to look like.

Depending on your child’s age, developmental (i.e., maturity) level, and even unique personality traits, your child may not directly let you know that they are worried, nervous, or afraid.

Child anxiety symptoms and behaviors can appear as:

• irritability,
  
• defiance or behavioral problems,
  
• avoidance of places or situations,
  
• sleep and/or appetite disturbance,
  
• withdrawal or refusal to speak,
  
• excessive shyness,
  
• regressing (i.e., acting younger than their age),
  
• perseverating on a topic (e.g., asking persistent questions about a particular concern),
  
• obsessions with cleanliness or orderliness, or
  
• physical symptoms (e.g., headaches, stomachaches).
  

This wide array of symptoms and behaviors can be easily overlooked by parents or can be attributed to another issue. For example, if a child demonstrates defiance, parents may initially believe that it is due to a need for discipline or that the child is spoiled. Although defiance and behavioral problems can indicate a variety of other issues, it is important to consider the context of the behavior. Is the child defiant when it’s time to go to school, complete homework, or engage in any other specific task or activity? This can indicate that defiance is not related to a behavioral problem, but instead the child is responding to overwhelming anxiety by refusal or essentially shutting down. If you have a doubt about whether your child may be struggling with anxiety, it is best to have your child evaluated by a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor.

The following are treatment options that are available to treat anxiety in children.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT is an evidenced-based treatment approach for children with anxiety that is delivered by a mental health professional in a counseling or treatment setting. CBT techniques for children with anxiety include cognitive restructuring and exposure exercises, among others. Research has indicated that most children treated with CBT will experience alleviation of anxiety symptoms after treatment.

Cognitive Restructuring

Children may not be able to verbalize the thoughts that contribute to their anxiety, as they may be fearful of the thoughts themselves, may feel embarrassed to speak up, or may feel that the fear may become even more real if they speak about it aloud. A mental health professional can help your child to not only verbalize their fearful or anxious thoughts in a supportive therapeutic environment, but also to make the connection between their thoughts, their anxious feelings, and the specific situations that trigger anxious feelings and thoughts. These are the first steps of cognitive restructuring and are followed by the therapist guiding your child in developing more positive and realistic alternatives for their thoughts (i.e., thought challenging).

Oftentimes, children can develop thoughts and ideas that may be exaggerated or misinformed and this leads to the development of much anxiety, but since children may avoid speaking up about these beliefs, there is no opportunity to correct and educate the child. For example, children who develop anxiety related to health and illness can have erroneous beliefs related to this theme (e.g., if they learn that another child has cancer they believe that they too will get the illness). By engaging in dialogue with the child, clarifying beliefs, and providing the child with alternative ways to conceptualize information, the child will learn a very useful strategy to minimize worry and anxious thoughts and beliefs.

Exposure Exercises

Exposure exercises involve the mental health professional engaging in several therapeutic steps that ultimately lead to your child confronting a specific fear or phobia that contributes to his/her anxiety. This strategy is effective because it not only gradually exposes the child to the fear, but also discourages avoidance of the feared object or situation. Anxiety is largely maintained because the child copes by avoiding the feared object/situation and although this will temporarily alleviate the anxiety, avoidance actually strengthens the fear with time. Exposure exercises must be delivered by a qualified therapist and involve many preliminary steps, such as teaching the child relaxation exercises and ensuring the child can safely confront the fear.

Mindfulness Interventions

Mindfulness includes interventions that involve your child achieving a sense of awareness of their thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations through meditation or other activities that increase the child’s ability to remain in the here and now. Although this may seem like a complex task for a child to grasp and put into practice, children are very receptive to mindfulness strategies and experience immense benefits, especially when coping with anxiety2. Anxiety is characterized by the mind remaining in a state of preoccupation with either the past and/or the future. Mindfulness is effective for treating anxiety because the child increases their ability to stay present and this prevents the child’s thoughts from shifting to past thoughts that are troubling/fear-inducing or future concerns that cause worry. Since mindfulness is achieved through practice, a therapist guides the child through fun and interactive steps that teaches the child to become increasingly mindful.

It is important to identify anxiety symptoms in your child and address the issue immediately. Anxiety is typically not something that the child will grow out of or get over on their own.

Although children can develop a fear or worry and then with time it may seem to go away, in reality it is likely that the child has learned to cope with the anxiety by establishing avoidance behaviors or other negative coping skills (e.g., a child who develops anxiety from being bullied may cope by turning to aggression). In addition, anxiety in children has a way of transferring from one topic or theme to another, but the underlying issue remains. Children have an amazing ability to learn and absorb information and with the right interventions and treatment, they can be guided to understanding the anxiety and developing healthy ways to cope. This approach will provide invaluable life skills for your child and will help them develop the courage and self-confidence to confront future stressors and adaptively manage their emotions.

Anxiety Treatment for Children

Anxiety issues can be mild or serious for a child. Aside from the discomfort and suffering from the emotional experience, they can also impact this child’s behavior, relationships, academic and athletic performance. The good news is that there are effective therapies for children with anxiety disorders.

If you believe you and your child could benefit from meeting with a Cognitive Behavior Therapist and being assessed, having the opportunity to ask questions, and if necessary receiving therapy for anxiety, please reach out!

References

1. Seligman, L. D. & Ollendick, T. H. (2011). Cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders in youth. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 20(2), 217-238.

2. Semple, R. J., Lee, J., Rosa, D., & Miller, L. F. (2010). A randomized trial of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for children: Promoting mindful attention to enhance social-emotional resiliency in children. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 19(2), 218-229.

How to Know if Your Child Needs a Therapist

A key part of normal childhood development is exploring and understanding emotions. That means a certain amount of ups and downs are expected. Just like adults are not happy all the time, children also have a full range of different emotions.

But, how do you know when your child is experiencing something more than the normal emotional roller coaster of childhood? How do you know when you child would benefit from seeing a therapist?

The Line Between Normal Struggles and More Complicated Issues

Your child will hit some bumps in the road. He may experience moodiness, especially as he hits certain transition points in his life. Even a slight dip in academic performance may be normal. They key is to stay connected with your child.

This doesn’t mean riding on the emotional roller coaster with him. Instead it means listening to what he has to say, observing his behavior, validating his feelings, and being ready to talk when he is ready to listen.

However, sometimes the problems your child is facing may evolve into something more serious. He may benefit from working with a child therapist. Some examples of when your child may be facing more than just the normal emotional struggles all children face include:

• Problems across multiple areas of their life (for example, instead of only struggling with some friend issues they are also having a hard time academically),
  
• They have lost interest in hobbies or extracurricular activities they used to enjoy, or they are also having a hard time with family relationships.
  
• Your child begins to lose confidence in themselves or regularly feels bad about themselves
  
• Has significant changes in sleep or eating habits
  
• Shows self-destructive behaviors like scratching, skin picking, or hair pulling
  
• Talks about any kind of self-harm
  
• Sounds hopeless about the future and has been sad for a significant amount of time
  
• Child has a lot of worries about safety, contamination, academic or sport/music performance, social relationships, or the future
  
• Compulsive behaviors like hand washing, cleaning, overly invested in order, symmetry, etc.
  
• Avoids certain places, activities, numbers, certain kinds of foods, etc.
  
• Restricts eating, overeats, purges, or takes laxatives
  
• Is incredibly distressed about her/his own appearance
  
• Increases or decreases in sleep, appetite, or weight
  
• Is isolating
  
• Has a short temper
  
• Sudden changes in academic performance, behavior at school, how much he or she likes school, or resistant to going to school, or poor attendance
  
• Difficulties with attention, organizing, procrastination, or concentration
  

When your child is dealing with these kinds of issues he or she may be going through more than “just a phase” and should begin working with a child therapist.

How a Child Therapist Works

One of the most beneficial approaches to helping children who struggle with major anxiety and other issues is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT is an evidence based approach that has years of scientific research that shows it significantly helps children.

CBT helps children change their inner dialogue that often triggers their acting out or other negative behaviors. CBT also can strengthen the bond between parent and child. This further helps to reduce stress and tension and gives children a solid foundation of trust and support to build on moving forward.

One of the best things about CBT is that anyone can benefit from it. There is no harm in having your child or adolescent meet with a therapist. Because it focuses on helping people change their inner dialogue and helps them find solutions to chronic sources of negative feelings, it is an effective technique for dealing with a broad range of emotional struggles.

If your child is struggling with emotional issues and they don’t seem to have the ability to fully cope with them, you should explore taking your child to see a therapist. A child cognitive behavioral therapist will help your child develop the tools they need to work through their struggles.

When to Take Your Child to See a Child Therapist

If your child, you, and your family could use professional help, please do not hesitate to reach out. I can connect you with a child therapist who would be happy to meet with you and your child to assess what is happening and let you know how you can be helped.